Apple Apologizes: Announces It Is “Stunned” to Learn that iPhone Does Suck

After more than a week of mounting criticism for their handling of the iPhone 4 bug issues, including a terse communication between the petulant CEO and a customer, Apple has issued a statement, a quasi apology of sorts, explaining why signal strength bars disappear faster than lines of cocaine at Lindsey Lohan’s birthday party.

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many bars of signal strength to display is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more bars than it should for a given signal strength. For example, we sometimes display 4 bars when we should be displaying as few as 2 bars. Users observing a drop of several bars when they grip their iPhone in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak signal strength, but they don’t know it because we are erroneously displaying 4 or 5 bars. Their big drop in bars is because their high bars were never real in the first place.

Okay, so you have been lying to us for a while.  Alright.  Got that.  But you are going to fix it, right?

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula for calculating how many bars to display for a given signal strength.

No, not the bar-thing, the phone.  The fact that it does not work properly.  You know, all those pesky reception issues when people hold it, uhh, normally?  You are working hard on fixing that, right?

We have gone back to our labs and retested everything, and the results are the same— the iPhone 4’s wireless performance is the best we have ever shipped.

Seriously?  Then how big of a piece of crap was the 3G?

Was that a rhetorical question?*

Yes.  But isn’t there anything you can do to improve this thing in my hand?  Uhh, I meant the other hand, my left one.

We are also making bars 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.

What?  You are making the bars taller?  So now there will be fewer of them, but they are taller.  So, net-net, on a surface area basis, we are just going to call it a wash?

Yeah, why?  You don’t actually use this thing for phone calls anyhow, do you?  Don’t you know the cool apps this thing can run?  You could navigate from Chicago to Bogotá, Columbia and hit every Waffle House along the way if you wanted to.  Heck, we even have an app that will tell you the position of the FARC rebels so that you don’t get kidnapped en route.  It is way too cool for phone calls.*

Yeah, the apps are cool, but it is still supposed to be a phone.  It is called an “iPhone” after all.  The 2 million iPhone 4 buyers are going to be really miffed when they hear about your “solution.”  Guess those folks who did not upgrade should feel pretty smug right now, eh?

Since this mistake has been present since the original iPhone, this software update will also be available for the iPhone 3GS and iPhone 3G.

Oh, screw you.  The 20 million or so 3Gs are afflicted with a case of appletitis, too?  You got to be kidding me?

No, we’re not.*

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All statements above were pulled from Apple’s July 2, 2010 statement…okay, except the ” * ” ones.

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Well, on the bright side, one good thing came from this Apple-cluster.  Following Apple’s retroactive “my bad,” numerous companies took advantage of what they viewed as a corporate amnesty period to issue statements acknowledging their past misdeeds in hopes of starting fresh with the public and their customers.

Below is a sampling of some of the mea culpas addressed in corporate statements this weekend:

National Geographic: “(1) For making decades of young boys gay by publishing disturbing pictures of sagging tribal breasts and (2) for launching Caesar Millan’s career”

MTV: “For any confusion resulting from our name which may have led any person to think that we are a purveyor of music or music related content.”  Adding, “Please tune in this week for new episodes of The City, Cribs, Teen Cribs, Disaster Date, Jersey Shore, Pranked, Teen Mom, True Life, My Life as Liz, 16 and Pregnant, Parental Control, Real World: New Orleans, The Hard Times of RJ Berger and that show featuring Heidi Montag’s breasts.”

Microsoft: “Really for everything we ever made, but particularly MS Bob, Internet Explorer 6 and Excel 2007.”  Editor’s Note: I hate you Office 2007.

Pfizer: “For making every college and pro football game a child has watched with his dad awkward since 1998 due to our ‘Seek medical assistance for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours’ Viagra ads.”

Altria (aka Philip Morris): “For killing your uncle.”

CBS News on behalf of Katie Couric: “For that unfair question to Sarah Palin (What newspapers and magazines do you regularly read…?).  Had we known you better, Sarah, we probably would have started with something easier, like a question about your favorite color or your least pregnant teenage daughter.”

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