LeBron James Gives Thanks to God After Signing 10 Year $100M Endorsement Deal with Heaven; Has Plan to Win NBA Title
LeBron James’ big day came Thursday in a manner unprecedented in the history of sports. His hour long announcement spectacular, dubbed “The Decision,”  was hosted by ESPN with all commercial spots sold by LeBron James’ management team.  And in perhaps the rarest of feats, “The Decision” exceeded the hype.
Flanked by three male lions and facing a stirring Gustavo Dudamel-conducted, 35 piece orchestra of Julliard-schooled red colobus monkeys who have been secretly training for this event for the last two years, Mr. James supernaturally elevated from his golden throne during a late crescendo of Messiaen’s TurangalĂ®la-symphonie near the spectacular’s 45 minute mark.
For 30 seconds, Mr. James hovered above the stage as the audience looked on awestruck. While the audience anticipated the big decision, Mr. James introduced more drama when he invited three people to share the stage with him.
The first visitor was a nine year old girl identified only as Jessica.  Jessica, who was stricken with Duchenne muscular dystrophy at the age of 2, was pushed up onto the stage in her wheelchair by her mother. After a brief conversation with Jessica, Mr. James, who continued to float a foot above the ground, gently placed a pair of Nike LeBron VII P.S. shoes on the girl’s feet and told her to walk.  And walk she did to the applause and excitement of those in the studio’s audience.
Next up on stage was Staff Sergeant Ralph Colotus, an Iraq war veteran who had lost all feeling and use of his right arm following a Humvee accident outside of Fallujah in 2007. Mr. James thanked the man for his service and then sprinkled some Citrus Blend Sprite Remix onto the man’s right forearm before tossing him a no-look behind the back bullet pass which the man astonishingly caught with his right hand.
This led up to the one brief humbling moment of the night, which came from Bridget McAllen. Ms. McAllen presented Mr. James with her new iPhone 4 and explained that she had 5 bars but could not make a phone call.  Mr. James suspended the phone in front of him as he attempted to fix it. He appeared perplexed and irritated as he struggled for nearly a minute before magically turning the iPhone into a functional Sprint HTC EVO 4G and sending Ms. McAllen off the stage satisfied.
Then it was time for the announcement that all had anticipated, and it was a statement that did not disappoint. In a superstar athlete, paradigm-shifting moment, Mr. James announced that he would buy the Miami Heat, endorse the New York Knicks, marry two of the LA Clippers’ Spirit Dancers in a Utah ceremony in August, co-host the remaining episodes of Oprah in Chicago, become Executive Vice President of Mining and Distribution for Polyus Gold (NJ Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokhorov’s gold empire) and play basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
With the only journalists in attendance bowing before Mr. James, he answered just one self-posed question, “Will these other commitments impact my day-to-day ability to play basketball?”
His response could not have been more clear.  ”Absolutely.”  Mr. James added, “That is why I am only playing part-time for the Cleveland Cavaliers. I won’t be playing any games in Cleveland unless they are nationally televised on Thanksgiving or Christmas because that city is an uninhabitable wasteland and don’t even get me started on Akron.  But so as not to short-change the team, in my absence, the LeBron James puppet will suit up wearing #23. I have endowed the puppet with my great athletic gifts, so I am confident that if my teammates can commit themselves to the singular pursuit of basketball greatness, then we can win 60+ next year before again being knocked out of the playoffs in the second round, which works great for me because I will have to get down to Miami to see D Wade and Bosh win me my first N.B.A. title.”
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I’ll start by saying that I’m a huge Cleveland fan. Born and raised. Browns, Indians, Cavs, hell I love me some Vikings. I feel the curse. And I sure as hell feel bitter too. But the comments people are posting are absolutely ridiculous.
You guys are adding to the sensationalism of something that, really, isn’t too big of a deal. Does nobody care about Shaq? Have you ever heard of a free agent before?
Anybody with a reasonable mind would’ve told you back when Lebron signed the extension; if he doesn’t win a championship, he’s out.
It doesn’t matter it’s his home state, or hometown. He’s a basketball player, not a child, not a mayor, not a governor. Even I’m convinced the Cavs aren’t winning any time soon, with or without Lebron, and it took him leaving for me to fully realize that, and that’s all that would matter to anyone in his shoes. You people all started it yourselves when you questioned his superiority as a player to Kobe. In LA it’s Kobe and the Lakers. In Cleveland it was always just Lebron.
Even further, the reaction of Dan Gilbert is very childish, no matter how bitter he feels. It was his job to bring Cleveland a championship, not Lebron’s. He failed and now he’s off running his mouth, even guaranteeing a championship. Why would this add to the fire? Lebron was simply his employee. Has anyone else ever seen an employer get mad when his employee left for a better opportunity?
Think reasonably, you’re making us look like idiots.
I have mixed feelings on the whole ordeal. I am happy that Lebron has a chance at a ring now, but I am unhappy with the lack of consideration for Cleveland. Although this is a business decision ultimately, he should have done a better job showing that he does indeed care about Cleveland, this is just the best decision.
I totally agree with WOW! IF I spent 7 years with a company and NEVER got a decent promotion and an opportunity came for me to triple my money and my work- you would be kissing my blackA###&*** Good bye,also! Cu sorry you can’t be me!!! lol
Best of Luck to You LeBron!
If not now when…………….
He did the best thing for Lebron, period. Who wouldn’t want to play on a team w/other superstars not to mention friends of yours with a great chance to bring home the trophy? Everyone talks about greed with athletes today and Lebron who could ask for the world takes less money so he can try to win a championship, some people just like to b***h so much that this situation from a fan standpoint was a losing situation for Lebron. And as far as making you guys look like idiots Wow, you have grown ass men burning jersey’s in the street, you guys don’t need help to make you like idiots.
Lebron made the best choice to give him the best chance to earn the most rings possible. I understand what he meant to Cleveland but they basically tried to guilt trip him into staying by saying the economy and the team would sink to new lows (not sure if that is true or not). I mean at least in Miami they said that he could be part of a team that can make a run for the title right now and for the next +5 years (depending on Wade’s, Bosh’s & his resigning), in Cleveland all they ever said was this is your home and you mean alot to us and our economy. Also all those people who thought he should’ve gone to the Bulls here is what I have to say: I know Chicago had a great team but they were people he didn’t really know; at least not as well as he knew Wade and Bosh. Lebron was friends with them and made his contract end this year so he might get a chance to play with maybe both if not at least one of his pals. Plus Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh put together scored(on average) 50 pts/game, that means that even if he had a horrible day (god forbid) Wade and Bosh could pretty much cover for him. Oh yeah just in case you ask about them: Nets, Clippers & Knicks weren’t really fit for the King (or at least in my opinion).
It’s not that he went to Miami. It’s that he didn’t have the class to tell his former employer first of his decision. Anyone brought up with manners would have done so and that is what is enraging Dan Gilbert; he feels dissed on top of the business loss. The business loss you deal with. The slap in the face after going the extra mile for an employee — that just sucks. And it was a national dis, too.